I have never had a problem with getting pregnant... we jokingly say that I looked at Brian after having Christopher and we got pregnant with Lydia!! But now just a few years later, it's not happening.
I wish I could say, I had it all together and we had a great weekend regardless. But I wouldn't be telling the truth, the truth was that in every moment of quiet I had an internal struggle happening..... frustration, disappointment, questions, scenarios of why I wasn't pregnant, hard questions about God and His role, more disappointment, and it just went on. It was lonely and isolating. And many, many were tears spilt.... Gotta love hormones mixed in!
While Brian and I handle emotions differently, I am thankful for his spiritual insight and words of encouragement and comfort. Through many difficult decisions I started to see that my goal on getting pregnant wasn't good. It's not that my desire to get pregnant was wrong, but it had replaced the need in my heart to
- trust God fully "Trust in the Lord with all your heart;do not depend on your own understanding."Proverbs 3:5
- be thankful in the midst of disappointments "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
- be content with all that I DO have. " Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have." Philippians 4:11 and "Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth". 1 Timothy 6:6
I wish that returning my focus back to the Lord and His goodness and faithfulness to me (and my family) would eliminate the disappointment I have with not being pregnant. It will not, but I think it will give me the foundation to be content in the same circumstances that might make me sad.
That is the challenge of the Christian life. NOT that we will have a life without disappointments, struggles, sickness, etc! But in the midst of those trials we remain faithful and find joy in our relationship with the One who sustains us.
So while I am still sad that we aren't anticipating a new baby, I'm thankful for my sweet family - my 3 precious and priceless children and my understanding husband. And I'm thankful for my Lord; the salvation, comfort, joy and peace He provides in the midst of any of my trials when I am willing to reach out for Him.
BTW... I am disabling comments for this post. While I enjoy and love comments from you all, this is different. Right now I would appreciate your prayers that I would continue to grow in gratefulness and contentment. Thank you. If there is something you want to share with me, email me.