Happy Mother's Day with a New Pic;)

Happy Mother's Day!!!

May 2009

May 2011

So thankful for my crew willing to "sort of" sit still enough for a pic for Momma for MOther's Day!!

I treasured the pic from 2009...

I was in the midst of struggling about not being pregnant and that spring was the HARDEST for me!! These new pictures for Mother's Day are just soo sweet to me....

I'm so thankful for my crew...
Having the Lord hear my prayers...
Overwhelmed in being given the desires of my heart.

Wordless Wednesday - Sweet Co-Sleep

My snuggly little girl with the "super-big" baby doll!! I thought they were too cute snuggled together:)

Oh, soo miss those sweet co-sleeping moments with Bug and look forward to some snuggle time with Nate soon:)

You can find some other picture posts at Wordless Wednesday, 5 Minutes for Mom and Go Graham Go!!!

Quiet Days

Yesterday Nathaniel was QUIET.... not that he makes noises yet... LOL!!

But he wasn't moving like normal. Just a few times during the day I would feel him turn or whatever he does in there... but no kicks or elbows! Since he's been such a predictable "mover", I was a little more attentive to his movements, or lack of movements.

I'm sure all pregnant moms go through "worried moments"... that's just the role of motherhood (at each stage). But it really got me to think what a blessing every child is and how Nathaniel has already changed our family life. Praying and hoping for a pregnancy for over a year, and then finally hearing his sweet heart beat and feeling his tiny kicks!! It truly brings me to a place of thankfulness to the Lord for each day with each of my 4 kids.

And having the "worried moments" makes me even more aware of my reliance on the Lord for each breath..... each that I have, each that Brian or the kids breathe and each heart beat of Nathaniel's.

Today, Nathaniel has been back to normal. In fact, he's been a little more active today. Even with me walking around a children's museum with the kids this morning, climbing through a McD's playground to "rescue" scared kids and grocery shopping with my three:) He's definitely been trying to participate in all the fun:)

So maybe the "quiet days" and "worried moments" are meant for me .... to reflect again on being thankful for each moment and recognizing WHO is really caring for us all!!

*** Blue picture above was a picture Lydia took of "baby brother" today... LOL!! Actually it's a picture of my preggo belly shirt! But I thought it was fun to share... they LOVE talking about and to their "baby brother"!

Tomorrow afternoon we are off to another prenatal check-up. I think the whole crew is coming along... so that will be fun for all of us to hear his heart beating again. It's also my glucose testing day.... yipppeee!!

A Surprise??

I've had a couple people ask me if this pregnancy was a surprise. My initial reaction is "no!!!We've been trying to for over a year!!!!" But then I think WHY that month, "Yes, it was totally a surprise to become pregnant when we did."

The timing is interesting. Since last September we had been trying to conceive. I've watched the calendar, signed up for mycycle.com to keep track of cycles, visited the OB, did ovulation tests some months.....

Finally with that cycle in August, I was exhausted... emotionally, physically and spiritually with everything concerning pregnancy! I started to share some with you on the blog... at least part of the journey I was being taken through. In so many ways I felt like I needed to STOP!! Just stop always being concerned about being pregnant, stop talking about, stop trying to guess when I should take a pregnancy test..... and really get my focus back on the Lord, serving my husband and loving/guiding/teaching my children!!!


So I DID!! With my last cycle, I stopped watching the calendar, didn't use the new set of ovulaton tests we bought, and just focused on my Lord and my family. It was also the time we really started to prepare for homeschool starting. Ahh, it was nice to not have the weight of trying to conceive or worrying about whether we would or not!


And I have to admit that I did know when my period was supposed to start... that was when we discussed hope. That day was supposed to be the day after I turned 30 yrs old and the day we started homeschooling!! To be honest, I was dreading the tough week (new homeschooling schedule, coming off a birthday trip, anticipation of cramps and hormone craziness...lol) !!!


So imagine our surprise when those crazy hormones didn't hit. Or that we actually needed a pregnancy test!! We were surprised!! Of all the months.... the month I finally had my heart straight! It was a challenging journey.

My contentment and reliance on the Lord will never be fully complete until I am in His prescence. But until then I can trust Him and be focused on Him and the tasks He has already given us!!

So all that to say that we were surprised! But more thankful than any other reaction!! It has been soo precious to know that God has allowed us to conceive this little Baby! What an amazing gift to be carrying a little human in my belly and for the kids to have a sibling coming that they can snuggle and help with.... they are soo excited too:)

Saturday Sentences : Hope in Contentment

During a rough day, I looked at Brian and asked, "Why can I not just be content with the family I have? Why do I have such a strong desire for more children? Is it wrong to want more children?"

LOL... my poor husband having to deal with me sometimes!! I'm glad he is a sensible, wise and thoughtful husband. And that he can encourage with a honest and insightful answer!!

But I will never forget how he responded.

He looked at me with compassion. And then gently answered, "Kelly, within a heart of contentment there is room for hope."

He didn't criticize me for being upset and letting the hormones out...LOL! He didn't condemn me for still not having a grasp of what contentment really looks and feels like. But he encouraged me with that statement. And meant that I can have a quiet, content heart and still hope for more children some day.

It reminded me of another time of balancing contentment and hope: my single days. I remember finally getting to a point where I was content being single, not actively spying out good guys to date, but still hoping to get married one day. That was about when I felt the pull to attend seminary to learn more about God's Word and be able to "minister" to others biblically. Kind of funny, because just after my 2nd full week at seminary I met Brian.

And then I remember the greatest hope we can have. That is our hope in our Savior and Lord. We wish for His soon return and the peace and joy that seeing Him face to face will bring. Psalm 33:20 (NIV) "We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield."

I'll share with you with this verse.... It too talks about hoping in the Lord's coming. But looking at their explanation of "hope" was encouraging... because clearly hope is normal, a part of faith and contentment!

Romans 8:24b,25, 28 (NIV) "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently..... And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Thank you God, for the family You have given me and thank you for the ability to hope. I praise You that You have plans for us. Help me to wait patiently and contently for those things that are unseen.

Choose to Praise

A couple of months ago in the car alone... I broke down. I had a hard task before me, one that I had thought I was "over". But in those tears and frustration I realized I only started the journey and many hard days and times were ahead.

So back to the teary car trip by myself, dreading the stop I had to make, I had the radio on.... and it wasn't kiddie songs this time:) I was listening to a Christian radio station and at that moment the PERFECT song "for me at that time" came on. I cried through the rest of the trip, but I had some of the truth of the song with me (but forgetting the name or artist).

For MONTHS now I everytime I turned on the radio I hoped the song would come on again.... and it did this afternoon while I made lunch. Here it is from YouTube.....




I found comfort the first time I heard it... I kept with me that I would make it through the storm, not because who I was (or what emotional condition I was in) but who God is. Applying the truth one of my favorite set of verses in Psalm 121 which is embedded in the song!

Interestingly, when I heard it today (now numerous times on youtube) I have kept with me that in difficult (or emotional) times I need to make a conscience choice to praise God through the storm instead of throw myself a pitiful "pity party". I know what God requires of me and I know the blessings and peace He alone can provide through "the storms" of life.

Let me also throw this out there... it's been on my heart a while. After mentioning some of my own struggles, I have been confronted over and over with others' more challenging, heartwrenching and stressful "storms" than my own. Looking around I see soo much more heartache and sickness than my little "storm" could ever muster....

So I am choosing to praise God for who He is, even in the little "storm" in my own life. And I am praying for the sweet saints that I personally know who are facing much greater "storms" in their own lives. May we praise God together and ask for His comfort and healing!

The Mystery Book

I was VERY hesitant to share some of my struggle about not being able to get pregnant with my blogging community. One is because it is heartbreaking and difficult for me. Two, because it is soo personal and isloating in nature... something I can easily "hide" from neighbors and friends... even more so online. And because with sharing my heart, I was opening up myself for critism (on many levels).

Last week, that last hesitation was taken away. I was blessed to feel the care and concern from two friends. I received 2 books in the mail to help me through some of emotional struggles concerning not being pregnant. The funny thing was that they sent me the same book:) One was sent by a sweet local friend and then other was sent by a sweet "mystery" person. In both cases, I am very thankful for the thought and love you have shown me.

While I was taken back by the title "In Conceivable: Finding Peace in the Midst of Infertility".... just because I'm not in that place yet. I've had a year of not conceiving, but I've yet gotten into any medical procedures or diagnoses that the author, Shannon Woodward, experienced!! Still I was drawn to the book for a couple of reasons. I WANT peace through the disappointment of not being pregnant month after month! Two, because the book is written from her experience and what she struggled with and learned... biographies are my favorite types of books! And I felt a connection with her since she is also a pastor's wife.

I feel like I am just comsuming the book. The first night reading it I could relate to sooo many of the desires, frustrations and mental "plans" that Shannon went through! In some ways it was nice to know that I am very normal.

The experiences of the author are very different from my own. And I am no were close to being finished the book. I do look forward though to how she is able to "find peace" and have a quiet spirit while "waiting".

From the book I again saw that I am a very blessed Momma. I can desire a bigger family and for my womb to one day hold another little baby, but when I open my eyes to the blessings I have been given... I see 3 sweet children who want to climb into my lap, have me play a game with them or watch them zoom their bikes around the yard.

This is a new goal, to be able to say and feel like this:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13 (New International Version)


Thank you for your prayers and concern. And thank you for the books! One (or both eventually) will be passed to someone else who maybe struggling in this area!!! And if you want to reveal yourselves that is fine!

Brings Me Back

In continuation of my learning contentment, Brian remembered a passage he has just read in My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. It has stuck with me and I hope it encourages and challenges you to be faithful in each situation.

"Ultimately God will allow nothing to escape; every detail of our lives is under
scrutiny. God will bring is back in countless ways to the same point over and
over again. And He never tired of bringing us back to that one point until we
learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce a finished product...
Through this process, God is trying to impress upon us the one thing that is not
entirely right in our lives."

One of the things that I thought I was... was content. I have many life experiences when I have had to adapt to the circumstances or my surroundings. And with some frustrations and change of heart I had adapted and even been thankful for the changes or situation.

But month after month after month of not being pregnant, the discontentment grew. I am thankful that God "never tires" of "bringing me back" where I need to grow and learn to trust Him and to be focused on His simple (yet challenging) will for my life.

Not Pregnant AGAIN..... but learning Contentment

I have had a very disappointing but enlightening weekend. I found out early Friday AM that We were not pregnant this month... yes, another month... now 11 in a row!!! While some could probably shrug it off... be thankful for not having the aches of pregnancy, diapers they don't have to change or the hours of sleep they won't be missing... I was sad (to say the least).

I have never had a problem with getting pregnant... we jokingly say that I looked at Brian after having Christopher and we got pregnant with Lydia!! But now just a few years later, it's not happening.

I wish I could say, I had it all together and we had a great weekend regardless. But I wouldn't be telling the truth, the truth was that in every moment of quiet I had an internal struggle happening..... frustration, disappointment, questions, scenarios of why I wasn't pregnant, hard questions about God and His role, more disappointment, and it just went on. It was lonely and isolating. And many, many were tears spilt.... Gotta love hormones mixed in!

While Brian and I handle emotions differently, I am thankful for his spiritual insight and words of encouragement and comfort. Through many difficult decisions I started to see that my goal on getting pregnant wasn't good. It's not that my desire to get pregnant was wrong, but it had replaced the need in my heart to

• trust God fully "Trust in the Lord with all your heart;do not depend on your own understanding."Proverbs 3:5
• be thankful in the midst of disappointments "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• be content with all that I DO have. " Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have." Philippians 4:11 and "Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth". 1 Timothy 6:6
  

I wish that returning my focus back to the Lord and His goodness and faithfulness to me (and my family) would eliminate the disappointment I have with not being pregnant. It will not, but I think it will give me the foundation to be content in the same circumstances that might make me sad.

That is the challenge of the Christian life. NOT that we will have a life without disappointments, struggles, sickness, etc! But in the midst of those trials we remain faithful and find joy in our relationship with the One who sustains us.

So while I am still sad that we aren't anticipating a new baby, I'm thankful for my sweet family - my 3 precious and priceless children and my understanding husband. And I'm thankful for my Lord; the salvation, comfort, joy and peace He provides in the midst of any of my trials when I am willing to reach out for Him.

BTW... I am disabling comments for this post. While I enjoy and love comments from you all, this is different. Right now I would appreciate your prayers that I would continue to grow in gratefulness and contentment. Thank you. If there is something you want to share with me, email me.

So Quickly

After the last couple of visits with Hannah I come back with 2 thoughts: I want another baby.. LOL and how quickly my "babies" have grown!!

Anna just turned 5 and does soo much to help me around the house and for her schoolwork!! And some of the conversations I have with her or hear her in just amaze me! And Chris... hmmm... I have to remind myself most days (when he is rascally) that he's only 3! He thinks he's a teenager,too:)

Then I look at "Bug"! At 2 yrs old, she is in an inbetween stage. She's cute like a baby but wanting to be grown like her sister and brother. The other day as we were outside I tried to capture her "littleness" because it's NOT going to last long... it never does:)

Dirty Little Hands

Pudgy Toddler Toes


And here she is showing off her newest talent!! She asked to ride the "big" bike.

Brian put her on.
Away she went!!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I have it BAD....

You already know that we would LOVE to have some more babies... but even after 2 new local babies I had thought I kept the "baby fever" at bay....

I was thinking that my adorable little niece would be a baby-fix for me!! She was just 6 lbs 6oz at birth and she was almost 3 days old when we FINALLY got to go see her....LOL!!

She is just so precious, even in her little newborn sleepy stage:)I was soo fun to see her and enjoy her sweetness:)

Then Lydia asked to hold Hannah Grace. She held her for a second and was ready to hand her back. Then she immediately asked to hold her again, then quickly handed her back.


Then she asked to hold her again and just held her.... and held her... and held her!! Lydia was soo content and happy to be holding Hannah Grace. And she was soo careful to keep her still.... she did such a GREAT job with the baby. I was sooo AMAZED that she wanted to hold her soo long:)

THAT's when it HIT me.... MY BABY holding a baby and looking soo GROWN doing it!!! And the "baby fever" is upon us... LOL!!

BTW.... Aunt Jaclyn and Uncle Carson are doing well as well!! They are soo smitten with Hannah Grace! And Jaclyn and Hannah Grace are getting into the nursing routine easily as well!! They make it look sooo easy:)

So to ease my "baby fever".... I'll have to visit my sister again soon and get some more snuggles in with Hannah Grace (and help Jac)!! And get more pics of my baby holding her cousin:) And wait and see what next few months holds for us:)

Preparation Cleanup

You haven't hear too much from us this weekend!! Or maybe I haven't posted everything I've wanted to!!! We've had company!!! Yep, Uncle Scott and our "new" Aunt Beatriz have been with us since Friday night:)

Before they came we had some preparartions!! One of the biggest things that needed to be done was the crib in the girls' room. Lydia has been out of the crib since August!!! Finally it was TIME!!!

Actually disassembling it and putting it upstairs took no time but there was some sadness it putting it up! I know, I know.... I'm CRAZY!!! But my husband is just as crazy as I am.... so maybe, just maybe we're not too crazy.

Anyway, the crib went up to the attic for the time being and I'm loving the amount of space that is in the girls'room now. The openess is great, I felt like i could breathe when I went in:)

And I'm sure our guests have enjoyed the space and our new mattresses:)

Funny story: Lydia is sleeping on a "bed" made on our room. During naptime today, Lydia fell asleep fine but must have woken up sometime.... anyway, Brian went to check on her and couldn't find her. Since she was in our bedroom there is plenty for a little girl to get into..... but she wasn't even in our room. She had woken from her nap, got up, walked into her normal bedroom, climbed into her bed and went back to sleep.... aha haaaa....